I Should Be Dead

I lived the first half of my life in pretty good health. I walked, biked, hiked & swam. But, the the yo-yo dieting following the Scarsdale Diet took a toll. I lost 40 lbs each summer only to gain even more in the Fall when I returned to work (as teacher). I took a stress test at 30 & got weighed in water. Minus far, I weighed 119 lbs. but that’s what most charts stated a 5’2″ woman should weigh.

When I was 12, doctor told me I was obese cause I was 10 lbs. overweight. He used those same charts that do not account for body type. After stress test, I was told that could weigh 155 and be fine but I was 180 at the time. But, then I was not obese.

But, the stress of the job caught up with me and I finally went for psychological help in 1990. I was unable to sleep averaging 4 hours and was suicidal. I saw a psychiatrist who told me I was obssesive compulsive and prescribed Prozac. For the first time, the repetitive thoughts were gone but I went off meds during the summer only to get stressed in the Fall. I then took Zoloft but it wasn’t as good.

In 1990’s, I had to stop being Chairman of Working conditions for White Plains Teacher’s Association and negotiating. They gave me Life membership. I eventually had to give up Westchester Trails Association where I served as Sec Treasurer. By then my Psychiatrist had left and I began seeing a different doctor.

Around 2000, I was in bad mental shape. I was also seeing Psychologist who said I had a manic episode. I was put on Depakote and anti-depressants like Wellbutrin, but gained a lot of weight (of about 60 lbs). I was about 300 in 2009 and wasn’t doing much hiking or even walking. I started walking when doctor told me I had too and increased from 15 min to 4 miles a day till my knees hurt too much. I retired in 2009 and went off Depakote about a 1/2 yr later. I did get down to 262 but my weight bounces down to 231 to 250ish depending on if I’m manic or depressed. I lose weight in manic state but though I get loss done, I sleep little.

Then in 2013, they took out my thyroid (cancer) and a yr later I was diabetic. I had other issues but after tests, there continues to be negative cancer results. Went on modified Keto diet, lowering my sugar levels and went off Metformin. I, though, got dizzy and developed post nasal drip in 2012. I have a thick endometrium though I’ve had 2 D&C’s. It was recommended I have another but I don’t want any more.

I had a vitrectomy in 2010 and then two cataract surgeries (2012; 2014). At this point, I don’t want more tests. I have small tumors in my head found from x-ray and then MRI.

Then came pandemic 2020 with COVID 19 killing thousands of Americans and many more world wide. With all my health issues, I should be a great host for virus. I’ve struggled to stay Covid-19 free but Hayfever, mania and post nasal drip is not helping.

I should be dead.